You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My ATM looks so different sober.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
