he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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