OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
