I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
