Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
