Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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