he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
