There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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