tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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