don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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