as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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