i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
