I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
