omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
