I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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