I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
