if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
