Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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