I smell stomach acid.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
