My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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