I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
