This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
