I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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