Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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