He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
