I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
