The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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