Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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