my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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