I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
