I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We are all done wearing pants today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
