mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
