her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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