Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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