so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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