well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
