Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
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FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
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He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls