I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
