Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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