My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
