Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
