just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
