Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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