When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
