Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
