oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
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I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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