watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
