I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
