the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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