A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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