If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
