"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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