i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
