I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
