Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
