Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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