that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
