I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
